Poem - Come For The Fake

The pictures on the wall so fake,

Memories of everything

But really they are nothing,

Just a figment of my imagination

Just a fluke creation

Fake smiles plastered on

Empty laughs belting out loud

Of what do they have to be proud?

A broken heart, a broken bond

Conversations flow as normal

Who are they kidding with all things broken?

So many things left unspoken

With life a mess, it’s left me immobile

I look to your pristine face

For guidance you left me no trace

And now anger resides within

This object without a doubt I will win

A fire burns inside,

Yet with a clear mind I see the retched ways of everyone around

All things you all said were a complete and utter lie

But to you we are no longer bound

And I will come

I will come and rise much stronger, much wiser, much fiercer

And I will make you cower the way you made those children cower,

And I will make you fear the way you made us fear,

And I will bring you to your knees

The way you made us bleed

I will make you run but from me I will never let you hide

I will break all the foundations that you broke

All the promises you lied I will throw back in your face

For all the hurt, for all the pain but for most the betrayal

I will never let you rest

To The New Year

The year has finally come to an end and what a roller coaster it has been. These holidays to be perfectly honest with you has not panned out as I expected, much has happened which has changed my whole perspective on absolutely everything but that is life the only thing you can expect is the unexpected. I thought I had seen everything but now I realise that is so not true.

As we enter the New Year I know for sure that everything will change believe me. A friend quoted “Being brave isn't about not being afraid. It's about being afraid and doing it anyway!”  Another motto and ideal I hold close to my heart. This year patience, endurance, perseverance will be tested to the limit for us all but as long as we stay true to ourselves and to what is right then nothing, absolutely nothing can get in our way and even if it does then it will be overcome slowly but surely.

Times will be hard as they usually always are but with belief in ourselves to do the right thing and even if we are afraid to overcome and face those fears we will come through stronger than ever before

Have a Happy New Year

Much love Naz xx 

Poem - Without You

Moments pass in such pain

Time is wasted in all its vain

A grief ever growing within my heart

A sadness everlasting fluctuates inside

Laying eyes on you, truly a work of art

Perhaps tis better that we bide our time

Life becomes so lame

But the flame within it can never tame

Dullness descends and grey clouds loom

Without you

Eyes locked and fingers entwined

My heart to yours is forever bind

Far apart and at a distance you may be,

The world can attempt to drive a wedge in between

Yet without success it will be seen

That our fire is one that has crossed all ages

Away from your embrace

A heavy heart becomes me

Remembering your fingers my hands it traced

Being yours I have become so free

Unjust and unfair for life to keep you at bay

Everything within aches,

All around all things sadden when you are not by my side

All smiles vanish, disappear if it is not your eyes I see

Anger rages, becomes alive

Each moment you are not near

For living without you I cannot bear

Rather strike my heart with a million knives

Because loosing you is what I truly fear

Tutors

The blog before “My Affliction” seemed quite negative and although I do stand by what I said about how everything changes once you enter the adult world I must give credit to all the wonderful tutors that I have had who have always played a vital role and influenced me in many, many ways. So without further ado I will attempt to go through and thank all the tutors who have been there for me. And this is not because I have been forced to write anything of the kind but through my own choice. It is funny how the system is but there are so many who go unnoticed.

Who to start with? Ermmmm...

Ms Lumb: my tutor in secondary school from year seven till year eleven. Never will you come across one who genuinely cares about your future than her. Regardless of anyone’s bad behaviour she continuously gave second chances all the time without fail. No words to describe how amazing she is. In everything that I embarked upon I was could count on the support of my tutor. Even till this day I am still in touch with her and she is as amazing as ever.

Mr Goldon: primary school teacher and occasionally I do make contact with him. Back in those days I had a very unstable time due to the frequent changes in schools. However when I came to the final one I found the security I need and the inspiration to write dawned here.

In secondary school again there were several sources of inspiration and guidance Ms Ilobi, Mr Arbuah, Ms Broadbent. In fact I would say my list is quite extensive. Despite the fact that I have been so critical of the “system” I could never fault the tutors who have played such a vital and instrumental role in my success for without them I would most certainly not be here. 

My Affliction

I know I said the next blog would be dedicated to my lovely tutors but I really wanted to talk about something that has been bugging me for quite a while now. And that marvellous topic is depression. For several years now I myself have become a victim to this and it is monstrous. Lately however I have been attempting to be more proactive in trying to overcome this and like everything else it is not easy. And it is not as if once you overcome it it will be gone forever far from it. Any little trigger can bring it all back on again.

There are many times when even walking seems too difficult but one must push past the negative thoughts. Depression is not something to be overlooked and after talking to my tutor I realise that people do take it seriously much more so than me – the one with the affliction.

Some of you may know what it is all about and others may not. Many people “suffer” from this. It hinders absolutely everything, physical pain can usually be overcome but when there is this emotion inside you it darkens and dampens everything. Every small task becomes excruciatingly difficult. Facing the world just is not an option, I know from experience that I would much rather hideaway locked inside beneath the duvets.

The things that will bring you back up will always appear daunting. Simple things like seeing a friend, taking a walk, cooking (I love to bake) are what will bring you up again.

Again I don’t mean to preach but I always seem to, sorry about that but writing is one of the ways that helps me out. Somehow my fingers and heart just type away and everything seems to flow out.

There are times when your heart is continuously pounding and worried for no reason. You hide away from family, friends, uni/school and work when in fact the avoidance makes it all the more worse. As hard as it may be there are people out there who genuinely care and will do what they can to help.

A few weeks ago after speaking with my tutor I finally handed in my self- referral form for counselling. Usually I don’t talk about myself much; the personal side of things that is, but like I said this topic is really close to me and is something I want to share so that you all know – for lack of a better phrase- that help is at hand. The first appointment I was given I could not attend and after going through a lot of dates the lady making the appointment was so very nice to me and I finally have an appointment for next week.

You may ask why am I depressed but J that is something I won’t share.

Sometimes it may appear that those with their heads screwed on most tight, who seem to be perfectly focused are the ones to be suffering from this affliction but that is not always the case.

As hard as it is for those of you in the same boat make sure you try to remain proactive. The smallest of things make the biggest of differences.

Here is a link to our university’s counselling service:

http://www2.gre.ac.uk/study/support/counselling

The Million Shades of Grey

The rant below is partly my reflection inspired of what I saw in courts today. I hate living in the knowledge that there is so much suffering around us and that it seems barely anyone cares and even if we do the big fat cats do what they can to ignore and suppress that voice. 

The world has enough wealth to sustain the whole population. For each person to have a roof over his head, be fed and clothed comfortably but because we live in a selfish money orientated, materialistic society the rich just get richer and the poor just get poorer. No longer can you just raise some cash and pay for your property or land. Nooo! One must take out a mortgage and pay extortionate amounts laden with interests so that all the fat cats can be fed. If you rent then you will still be paying a laughable amount of money and in the end the landlord could not care less. There maybe thousands of faults such as broken windows, damp, lack of hot water, cracked roof etc but they could not be bothered.

Day in and day out thousands upon thousands are being made redundant through no fault of their own and whilst they are innocent, hard working and grafting and scrimping and saving for every penny to get by the fat cats just get fatter. A company may go bust, lose all of its assets and money but directors get off scot free. They will lose nothing (refer to Salomon v Salomon). Of course this is just said having read cases and seeing first hand people hanging on to all that they have by tips of their fingers nails.

Before they teach you anything at school they teach you first how to say please and thank you, they teach you to not use your fists then you grow up and you realise everything was a big fat lie because in the adult world they do not use fists, no, they instead use a creative variety of guns and bombs and have wars.I believe our society is the way it is because people are only important depending on what is in their wallets, only high profile people are given high consideration whilst the rest of us rot and even whilst the few good people try their best to help the rest out the big fat cats will do whatever they can send them back down.

Take a good look around you.  How many people know what the word empathy means? In our third year there are 100+ yet how many of us truly know what it is to empathise? I am not saying I am great etc, far from it but there is a lot that could be changed in all of us. 

 “The world has enough for everyone’s need, not everyone’s greed.”

~Gandhi~

When you are young everything everyone teaches you is black and white. And then unfortunately when you grow up the curtain is slowly lifted and the reality, the truth is revealed and all you can see is a million shades of grey. 

For more information on these issues check out:

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs311/en/

http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm

(The opinions expressed here are the views of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the University of Greenwich - Ed.)

Journey To Court

Dreadful start to the day. Despite checking over and over again on how to get to Bromley North Rail Station nothing went according to plan. TFL being as useless as it is gave me the wrong information for the third time now. Getting to London Bridge was not a problem. TFL informed me to take a train towards Grove Park and then get off at Bromley North Rail. Utter nonsense! Why? Because as I found out, much to my dismay, I had to get a shuttle service from Grove Park. In my head I asked “What on earth is a shuttle???” okay fine I thought, annoyed but not that bad because I could still make it on time. Waiting for the 9:14 I think it was train via Grove Park it arrives a minute early, even better. Get on train and then disaster, no lie the information box thing changes and says something else as the next destination. Am not blind nor am I a liar but something seriously went wrong today. So then I try to get off and guess what the door slams shut in my face. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I should have changed to an academic subject ahem.

Next stop Lewisham which took around 15minutes to get there. So on arrival it is time to find yet another person to hopefully provide the correct information as to how on Earth I am meant to get to BNR whilst containing my anger and frustration which of late has been increasing due to the sheer number of rude people there are. So Mr Man that works there says to get the 9:34 from Platform 2. Now at this point I am seriously considering calling the office and telling them that I am sick. Instead I get the other line to the office from a friend and inform them that I will be late despite having barely any credit and what is more my other line keeps automatically rejecting private calls, me being the bimbo that I am have no idea how to change the settings. Not much I can do despite pressing all the buttons. So the train that I am supposed to get at 9:34 turns up at 9:38. It just gets worse. Arrive at Grove Park which to me looks to be in the middle of nowhere ahem and yet again I waddle off to find someone to ask where can I get the shuttle service which turns out to just be another train so why they call it shuttle is beyond me:-S Platform 1 is far, far away from all the rest of the platforms hidden and tucked away in a small corner. By the time I get on to the shuttle service it is already 10ish. I am now more than half an hour late and could positively shoot myself. I finally arrive at BRN around fifteen minutes later and still have yet to find the court. The county court was easy to find so I go in and ask for my supervisor only to be told that she is at the Magistrates. So now in tears I plod along to the Magistrates, go through the security and ask them where can I find my supervisor they inform me to ask at General Enquiries who are rude beyond belief and say they have no idea who that is without even checking. Luckily I remember the man at the county said court six so trying my luck I went and check and huzzah!!!

Despite being ridiculously late my supervisor was an absolute star :)

(Wow that was really long)

(The opinions expressed here are the views of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the University of Greenwich - Ed.)